There are certain people, you just keep coming back to.

I figured I should do an update since school just started last week.  So the first day of school Nathan and I were late to our first class, our Lab, I thought the professor would be forgiving since it was the first day but he wasn't, well I don't want to say he wasn't, he said to everyone that it's unacceptable to be that late to a class, I agree, and it definitely won't happen again because I understand how neccessary punctuality is.  I think that professor is definitely an asshole and has a giant ego he just loves to feed by praising himself every day and every chance he can get, but he isn't that bad as long as you don't disrupt class or other's learning.  So school has actually not been that bad so far, Bio Lab/Lecture hasn't been so bad, professor is an asshole, as previously stated but I'm pretty good at Bio, so hopefully this won't be too bad.  Then my Psych class I'm a little worried about, first of all that book was $112, fucking rip off, and I showed it to Jenny and she used the exact book for like 1/4 of the price, so I re-bought some books online and I'm going to return the other books to the MCC store and get like $200, so suck on that MCC, now I can buy that pair of MCC sweat pants I've always aspired to own.  The Psych class is going to be a bitch though, I remember my ex took that course and she said how it was such a bitch, so I'm a little concerned.  There's no homework in that class, it's only tests, and my first test is friday, so I'm a little concerned about that, but I'll just have to study my little heart out.  Then my Math Class, well it's 094, which means that it's non-credit, it's the 2nd lowest class to take for Math, so it's like retard math, meh.  But so far I'm doing ok, the only bitch about that class is that it's 1 hour and 30 minutes everyday, but on fridays it's just 1 hour and 20 minutes, so I get to save myself from 10 minutes of 5th grade math torture!  Then my Death and Dying class, I know it might sound sketchy, but I know I'm going to kick so much ass at this class!  We get to write our own funeral plan and write a eulogy for someone, except I'm not in such a suicidal-depressing state anymore, this class is going to be so full of tears, I'm so psyched!  So school's not so bad yet.  The only thing I'm a little nervous about is the fact that... I've had no homework so far.  Since there's no homework in my Psych class it's mostly notes and reading the book on your own, and I've yet to read any of the book yet.  I think I'll try to read some now before I pass out, which I am about to because I just took some sleep aid because I've been feeling like crap all day.  A side note, Brittany is back from NYC  and I really wanna see her sometime, this chick, I just can't stop thinking about her, and she actually likes me, it's bonkers.  I wanna snuggle with her sometime, well I'm off to read, then bed!

So in 20 minutes it is my last official day of the summer, bonkers.  So the summer was actually pretty good, what did I accomplish...  Lets reminisce and find out...

Finished my first year at MCC with a 3.2, was incredibley depressed for a while, then officially got over my girlfriend, had my 19th birthday, went to VA Beach, went to Tilt several times, sort of started a relationship with a new girl, skated a lot with Nathan, got in a fist fight with a bunch of red necks, bought mace, enjoyed shooting bb guns, and real guns a lot, went camping a few times, a few bon fires at Terra's, not incredibly deprssed all summer, saw several movies; Hancock, Iron Man, The Hulk, Pineapple Express, going to see Tropic Thunder tomorrow, finished my therapy sessions, Zoloft is doing good, cars good, friends are good, school starts wednesday... So, over all pretty good I guess.  The past few days have kind of sucked but, meh.

So to elaborate on the 'past few days have sucked statement' well this new girl Brittany, who I have mentioned previously in another blog she's pretty cool.  We know eachother through a Psych class we had last semester that she withdrew from mid-way through, then she contacted me out of the blue, and we met up at Tilt, and it was kind of awkward, is it bad that all I wanted to do when she gave me her phone number was just to kiss her?  I have yet to kiss her, we've been talking for like 3 weeks now, but it's so odd.  She lives out in Greece and I live, well out here in Gananda, so she lives about 45 minutes away, is going to Brockport, and I'm continuing to go to MCC for... well... ever... and she works in Day Care, just like me!  So that's cool.  So we have yet to see eachother at all during the summer, except for the loud 5 minutes at Tilt.  We talk on the phone and text about everyday, and I actually really like this chick.  I totally had a crush on her back in Psych class, and I never even talked to her, I was just waiting to, and never got the chance, but now I have my chance, and it's slowly slipping out of my grip.  I don't really know what to do, it's been sort of difficult, when I get in a funk about a girl it just throws everything off, I can't focus on work or school or anything, I don't really want to.  We need to hang out sometime, it's just been a pain in the ass.  And I think she actually likes me, I'm honest with her about my feelings, things I'm feeling and so on, and I let her be honest with me because as I said to her I want to be honest with my feelings, but that doesn't make me disregard hers because her feelings are important to me as well, and she replied back to that "You're too perfect."  I would never have thought someone would have called me perfect.  I want to be with her badly, it just sucks because we're both busy.  She's not technically my girlfriend, it sucks.  I'm starting to feel like things won't work out whatever 'this' is anyways.  But I like her, she's beautiful, adorable, ambitious, cooky and funny and I can be honest with her, I don't let her trample all over me.  The other week I ordered her flowers and she got them and she liked them.  And she talks to her mom about me and her mom like already loves me because I'm good with kids, and her mom wants to meet me, it's like she's not even my girlfriend, but it's just so awesome!  I'll have to call her tomorrow and try to figure things out.  She hinted at that she wanted to see the laser show at high falls tonight, but I was unsure just because I had no idea where it was, parking, blah blah, bunch of shit, I've gotta tell her that so she doesn't think I'm a jackass.  I texted her that is sucks that we have yet to really see eachother and she didn't respond back, I hate it when she does that, when she doesn't respond back to a text, that's the only thing I don't like so far, that's it, my biggest complaint, when she doesn't reply back, rotflcopter.

Alright so... life is going pretty well right about now.  On Thursday I was just chilling on AIM and this chick im's me, she's like this may be weird but you were in my Psych class last semester and I just wanted to say it was really courageous how I stood up and talked about how your girlfriend broke up with me.  Then she's asking me if I go to Tilt, and I'm like hell yeah I was going later that night.  So Nathan and I went and she was there, but we couldn't really talk since it was so loud.  But I got her number and for the past few days we've been texting eachother every day and things have been going really well, I really like this girl, and I'm totally over Katie, it's like Katie-who?  Last night Brittany, that's this new girls name wanted me to come over to her house last night, she lives like out in Greece but it was like nearly 2 in the morning, and I wanted to, but I was kind of nervous about it, getting lost, etc.  But I didn't end up going over, I felt kind of bad but I have no idea how to get to her place.  If I knew exactly where it was I would have went.  But I really like this girl.  I remember when she was in my Psych class I was thinking that she was really cute and how I would have to put the moves on her, but she withdrew from the class half way in.  But then out of the blue she contacts me, actually like 3 random lesbians contacted me, kind of bonkers.  But so things have been pretty good.

I've gotta be honest, this summer has not been that bad.  I can actually say that, for once summer has not been complete shit.  But that's because I've had to make it that way, I can't expect that I'm going to be invited every day and night to go see a movie, go to a party, go camping, or whatever, etc.  Which I think most people expect that, I'll just wait until someone invites me or, just sit on the side lines and jump in when the time's right, you've gotta create your own game. 

I enjoy going out to Tilt, we went last thursday and it was pretty good.  I enjoyed the show, the raunchyness and vulgarity of it is awesome.  It's just fun because it's like, you can really be yourself there, it's about half guys, half girls, have gay half straight, it's a nice mix of everybody, race, gender, sexuality, it's great.  And it's not just a gay bar, but it's probably not neccessarily the best place to go hit on straight chicks, but whatever.  Except that Nathan got hit on 3 different people, it's like what the hell!  I told the Drag Queen hosting the show to give me some tips, it was kind of funny.  Then I saw another guy later who was with the Drag Queen when I was talking to him and was like "Meet anyone yet?"  I was like "No!"  Because one guy who told me his sister was a lesbian and was gonna hook me up was meanwhile like making out with another chick in the parking lot, she wasn't my type anyways.  But it was fun, I want to do it again.  Then over the weekend we were supposed to go to the Renaissance Festival but instead we got in a fist fight with neighbors next to our cabin.  I got the worse of it to which is stupid.  My eyes a little messed up, I've got a giant bruise around my knee and my left hip and shoulder are sore. 

I've been thinking a lot about Katie lately.  Well, not really a lot.  But it's odd, she's forwarded 2 chain texts to me in the past week in a half.  It's kind of weird, but I don't care.  I feel kind of bad that I burned every bridge I had with her, but it seems that she's trying to rebuild a bridge to me, I don't care.  But I'd probably just go ahead and burn the partially built bridge if she were still with her girlfriend.  And it's not a jealousy thing either, I'd admit if I were jealous.  It's a I can't handle it knowing she's with someone else because I would become super depressed.  I'm not gonna lie I just can't handle that shit, I'm sorry, I just can't.  And I'm not going to torture myself by listening to her talk about her girlfriend or whatever.  I understand she needs a friend who can feel her pain about having a girlfriend who isn't allowed in the house, I do want to be that shoulder she can lean on, but I'd rather also be the hand she can hold and person she can cuddle and cry with too.  I don't know if I neccessarilly want to be with her still, or just anybody.  But I sure as shit know I would have been an amazing girlfriend to her, but I wasn't because I was afraid to be myself.  I was afraid to get in arguements with her, and speak my mind.  She would have liked me a whole lot more, and I would have liked myself a whole lot more too.  I do think sometimes how I would have loved to have her next to my side in the fight, helping me up off the ground, or seeing Pineapple Express with me, and just being with me.  I do miss her I think, but I don't know why.  Maybe just because I imagine how I wish things were with her.  I'd like to see her again, be with her again.  I dunno, but for the health of me it's probably best that I never do, but I don't know.  I think I miss her, I think I might just be crazy.

Is it a bad thing that I'm tempted to swallow my entire bottle of zoloft?  Not to try to commit suicide, because it wouldn't kill me anyways, odds are I'd end up in the hospital getting my stomach pumped, then probably die a few days later after realizing I don't want to kill myself.  But I don't want to kill myself, I just want to take my entire bottle of zoloft so that I'd be happy for a month straight.  Although that wouldn't work, but I did just take another pill because I felt like it, I think I'm going to start taking it back at night, even if it deprives me of amazing sleep, I'll be up to do more important things like... I dunno, look at porn, or read about lesbian happenings or just be more depressed thinking about how I would enjoy hopping in bed with some hot chick to cuddle with and tell her I love her.  I have no idea what I'm saying, and no I'm not high or drunk, I'm just... gay, I dunno.  Today Amanda picked up a love note and was like "This is the gayest love note ever," I was going to say some smart ass remark like "What'd it say, I butt fucked my friend today?"  But I told her I was a lesbian a while ago, and I didn't say anything back, but I think she realized what she said.  I don't really care, it's not really like I'm going to burst into tears like "I can't believe you said that!" boohoowhineywhinesobsob.  I'm pretty sure they're moving me to another classroom which I'm kind of excited for, but I sort of want to stay in my room so that I can do the new curriculum things they want me to teach the kids.  I dunno what's wrong with me lately.  I should start reading again, playing video games, even if they really are nothing actually productive, at least I'd be doing something I enjoy and just keeping myself busy.  I'm tired, and want to sleep.  But I know I won't be able to fall asleep for another 4 hours.  My god why am I so fucked up?  I mean, I'm going to Tilt on thursday, going to the Renaissance fair and camping over the weekend, come on, I've got stuff to do.

So I haven't been able to sleep again.  It's becoming very annoying and making me a little irritable.  Today I did absolutely nothing, seriously, nothing.  Yesterday I did a lot of stuff, went to the bank, got my blacks, went to the mall, got a belt, a shirt, saw a few people I knew, came home, fixed up Nathan's board.  Went to have pizza at my dad's house, on the way home raced a few random Asian kids in their shit ricers, and beat them, yeah my little 4 Cylinder Civic kicked their asses, Nissan Z, Lexus some piece of shit and some Integra, totally powned those Asians, Nathan and all of 490 East can vouch for me.  But that was really fun, definitely going nearly 100 down the highway, adrenaline rush, pretty sweet.  Then we just walked around Gananda being a bunch of hooligans.  Then today, nothing, nada, zip, zilch, but I don't care.  But lately I've been slowly slipping back into my depression, the Zoloft isn't helping.  Sometimes I feel like I need a higher dosage, but they don't prescribe higher dosages I don't think, pretty sure it's just 100 miligrams.  Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar, because I'll be feeling fine some days, then depressed others.  But I know I'm not bi-polar because my periods of depression and mania aren't severe and frequent enough to be bi-polar.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about Katie.  Which really doesn't make any sense.  Because a few weeks ago I was practically completely over her, now again, thinking about her.  Which is even weirder because I feel like my summer has been getting a lot better, enjoying work more, going out more, skating more, and actually getting better at it finally.  Hopefully it's just because I'm on my period, my period makes my hormones pretty screwy,  I dunno, the no sleep certainly doesn't help, I just lay in bed tossing and turning, can't find a comfortable position to sleep in, I feel too cold when the comforter is off of me, but too warm when it is on me.  Maybe I'm just thinking about her so much because I just want a relationship so bad, I don't know what it is.  That's why I stress.  Because before I had dated her I would stress and obsess about not having a girlfriend, and now that we're broken up I let myself get bent out of shape over nothing and obsess about dating someone.  Gawd I'm making myself exhausted by thinking so much.

So the summer's been looking lately.  Even though it's not like I'm doing a whole lot, just keeping myself busy.  Nathan and I have been skating a lot, I enjoy that.  I was trying to practices grinds and rolling off of curbs, I finally rolled off of a curb successfully a few times.  I couldn't quite grind though because my board got stuck in between the other part of the bike rack I was trying to grind on, and I nearly broke the nose off of my board.  But I bet I can do it if I just practice a little bit more.  And I'm going to the mall on saturday, I'm excited to do that, I don't know why, I guess just something fun to do, I want to buy a new shirt because I'm supposed to go to Tilt on thursday, so that'll be cool.  And Nathan needs to get some skate supplies, and odds are I'll put his board together, which I really enjoy doing.  I really enjoy applying grip tape to boards, is that weird?  I dunno what it is, I like using my hands, building things, I dunno, that's how I roll.

Ya know what I hate?  When you're walking through somewhere and you see a couple and you look at the guy or girl or whatever and you're thinking to yourself "How the fuck did he get with her?"  or "Dude, I'm so much hotter than her!"  Or something like that, I hate that shit.  I mean not to be all narcissistic and vain, but I mean, I've got a good job, I've got some hobbies, I'm chill I'm a nice funny chick, I mean come on, doesn't some hot chick wanna go out with me?  Then I see these other lesbians and I'm like what the fuck, she's totally not my type!  The hot ones are all either bi and dirty whores or... they live 5 hours away and are dirty drunken whores.  Things like that are frustrating.  Like I've been thinking a lot about my ex lately, but not obsessing over her like I use to.  Mostly just thinking about the past with her, what I wish I could have done, because frankly I didn't work to keep the relationship together, I'm 'man' enough to admit that, because I would be lying if I said I was a good girlfriend.  I just didn't try, and I fucking know that now, and that sort of sucks.  But I don't know, I sometimes wonder if Katie and I would still be together now.  I would love to be with her, go out to tilt, snuggle, ya know fun couple stuff.  But I don't know if I want to do those things with her or just basically any other girl.  And I dunno, I don't feel like typing anymore.

Ok, so yesterday was probably the best day of my life!  So I've been planning on going to the Gay Pride Parade for oh, lets say, a year now, and it was awesome!  All day I was waiting to go and we went, it was awesome!  Jenny, Tim, Nathan and I went and it was awesome.  Hot lesbians on crotch rockets, well like one hot lesbian, hot dudes shaking their asses in banana hammocks, me yelling inappropriate things like "Take your top off!" to older lesbians, who I would prefer if they were to actually keep their tops on, but I just felt like yelling it, and having 10 people simultaneously look at me, and my response, "What?  Was that inappropriate?" And a older gay man turn around and say, "No, this is the perfect place to say that!"  It was awesome.  I got candy and condoms thrown at me!  I ate the candy and just threw the condom at the ground yelling "I'm a lesbian! I don't need this!"  But then I gave it to Jenny and Tim because odds are they'll use it later.  But it was so fun having my straight friends there to support me, and yell at the protestors with me.  One of the protestors set their sign down, so I picked it up and ripped it into a couple pieces and then mooned them, the lesbians in front of me cheered, it was awesome.  As we passed back by them some 60-year-old preacher was yelling at me, spitting in my face telling me I have hate in my heart (am I the one that came to a pride parade to tell people they were going to burn in hell? - didn't think so) but it was awesome, he was like "You wanna rip apart my bible?"  I didn't, although I was tempted to, he's like, "You want to get arrested?"  If I were to get arrested I could care less, it's ooo being arrested for standing up for something I believe in, no one's getting hurt.  But seriously why can't these ignorant assholes put their time and energy into something useful.  One of them was saying that God made Hurricane Katrina happen to New Orleans because New Orleans is a den of sin, or something like that, and that  the Brokeback Mountain actors are going to arrive in hell, ok so now even anyone who 'acts' gay will go to hell?  Wow, the littleist thing will send you to hell, hell's going to be pretty full.  And some kid had a sign that said "Hillary Clinton should be at home doing dishes" wow, how ignorant is that, one of the most powerful women alive, I hope she has you killed by some angry dyke with a sniper rifle, I'll do it!  But yeah, it was awesome, so much fun.  I've got to say I was one of the most attractive lesbians there, not to be a douche or anything, but I was thinking "Where are all the hotties!"  I didn't even see anyone I knew, except for the guy Mike who does the Time Warner commercials, he was so polite to us, he helped us find Prince Street.  I did see Meg's ex-girlfriend and one of her friends, but it's not like I was going to be like "Hi!  I'm one of Meg's friend, you know her right, well you don't know me but I just recognize you from Facebook pictures!"  That may be a bit creepy.  I didn't see her, I was bummed, I think she's in Pennsylvania or something like that, how could she miss the Pride Parade, she's like the Embassador of hot lesbians!

I don't know what the hell has been wrong with me lately but...  I don't know.  I haven't been able to sleep lately, getting tired in the middle of the day and losing any interest in anything, I ever had interest in.  I don't know what the hell it is, it must be the sleep that's making me irritable and not want to do anything.  It's frustrating because I want to do stuff, but things I wanted to do now I'm putting them off and procrastinating, and it's not like I was slowly transitioning into this state, it just instantly happened.  It's annoying because I don't like being cooped up in my room all day, but that's all I feel like doing.  I should start taking my Zoloft at night, it makes me feel better when I wake up, but I don't get enough sleep, but I'm able to function fine on only 6 hours of sleep.  But the pro to taking it in the morning is that I get sleep, but I wake up feeling anxiety.  And lately at random points in the day I get anxious and butterflies in my stomach, I don't know what the hell is up with me, somethings out of whack.

Right now it's 2:31 in the morning... And I cannot sleep.  Lately I haven't been able to sleep very well, I don't know why, maybe it's the Mountain Dew, but the last time I had one was like 5 hours ago, shouldn't it have warn off by now?  But whatever, still can't sleep.  My eyes are sleepy right now but I know I won't be able to sleep.  I wonder what the hell it is that is making me such an insomniac.  Back when I started my Zoloft when I took it at night it wouldn't let me sleep, I got to the point where I would get about 5 hours of sleep every night, and it got to the point where I actually adjusted to the lack of sleep and I could function normally, but I was still miserable throughout the day anyways.  But yeah... So yeah, life in G-Town is still lame.  But I recently found out that everybody else is going through the same shit like everybody from Gananda still only hangs out with their one BFF, it's kind of funny just because that means I'm not alone.  But yeah, life is kind of sucky and boring.  But no one else is doing anything anyways.   I wanna go out to Tilt, but I don't at the same time, that's probably just because I'm lazy.  But I dunno, it's like I don't know how to flirt or try to hit on someone, and it's like I have no gay friends, I know no gay people, it's like a 18-year-old working in an old folks home, just out of place and feel awkward.  That's how I feel, the gay kid in the straight crowd.  Also as previously stated in other entires, don't wanna see my ex, she probably wants to stab me, but eh, a knife wound would be cool.  That's how I could pick up chicks!  I could be like "Yeah, my crazy ex stabbed me.  Wanna kiss it?"  I'm just being a homo, well anyways, now I'm definitely more awake than I was 10 minutes ago, writing this was extremely unsuccessful towards making me tired.  I wish it was day time so I could build my shelves out of my old skateboard decks.  Gawd I really need money, I have like $12 in my checking, gawd that's pathetic.  I hardly ate anything today.  I had a bagel with cream cheese from DD, bad ass, then a blueberry muffin from DD, then I did later have some chicken fingers and fries, look how healthy I am, sarcasm.  I don't know how I haven't managed to pass out yet.  That'd be cool, passing out is an odd feeling, it's kind of like you're dreaming, you've got your eyes closed but you can hear what's going on around you, but you think you're imagining things.  Well I'm off to go play Medal of Honor or something, good thing I don't work until 2.

Who hangs out in their basement practicing skate tricks on the carpet at 1 in the morning, oh that would be me, Caitlin Stewart.  I'm trying this trick, I don't even know what it's called, if I did I would totally youtube that shit so some emo kid could teach me how to do it without rolling my ankle... which I did do, and my ankle hurts, so I wrapped it up with an Ace bandage and cut off the circulation to my left ankle and it turned purple, god I'm bright.  But anyways...  I actually did land it twice, it was so cool, like I've never been able to land any other skate tricks.  I feel like twice, good thing I was on the carpet anyways I guess, nearly fell into my pool table though.  But the last time I fell it hurt my ankle, and I just laid on the cold basement floor for a minute thinking fuck...  I really wanna be better at skating, landing that one little silly trick is a step to becoming better, now hopefully my ankle won't be fucked for too long.

So yesterday, was fucking awful.  I had my final appointment with my therapist and it went well... fucking awful.  It was going fine, but then we started talking about math, and I fucking hate math, pretty sure I even said that exactly, I was going on about how I've had math tutors since middle school, and how I fucking hate being treated like I'm retarded because I can't do Pythagorean Therum, OR WHATEVER THE FUCK SOME OTHER QUEER ASS MATH TERM IS CALLED!  But anyways...  And I don't know, I just started all of a sudden getting very upset.  I started crying and she kept asking me what was wrong, and that just wasn't helping, even though absolutely nothing was wrong, but it FUCKING IRRITATES ME!, when someone asks me if somethings wrong and if I say "Nothing's wrong," they ask me again and I say "Nothing's wrong," it means, NOTHINGS FUCKING WRONG YOU DOUCHE FUCK QUIT ASKING ME IF SOMETHING'S FUCKING WRONG!  (I am using the F Word a lot if you haven't noticed.)  But then she was just fucking annoying me, she was acting like how a therapist really should not act.  She was like "Are you mad at me?" And I was like "No, not really"  But I was a little just because she wouldn't fucking drop it, and it was just irritating me.  And the advice she tries to give me sounds so condescending, she was like "Why don't you use the time you spend being annoyed and make it positive and live life" Or some bullshit like that.  Which hello, "If I were a superhero, my super power would be optimism!" That is a quote by me, I am the super optimistic person, and if she knew a god damn thing about me she would know that, this is just my place to vent.  But I was just getting really frustrated with that, I was really fighting my urge not to get up and leave.  But she was just really irritating me and making me upset, and she's like "Are you ok to drive, Do you wanna stop talking" Blah blah, fucking blah!  And it just annoys me because I mention one thing and she reads way too fucking much into it!  Like she just brings up "have you had any contact with Katie?" And it's like bitch, if I didn't bring her into this, odds are I FUCKING HAVEN'T SO DON'T BRING THE GIRL WHO BROKE ME HEART INTO THE FUCKING CONVERSATION!  And I mentioned how I Terra wanted to hang out and I said that I don't like hanging out with Terra sometimes because oddly she reminds me of Katie, and you know how when you break up with someone or miss someone you find the fucking wackest person and somehow relate them to the person who is constantly on your mind, but she was like "Does she look like Katie?"  And I just feel like, shut the fuck up!  If she did I would have fucking said so!  But whatever, so that ended on a bad note, bue she called me back and was like we should have another meeting even if it's not covered under insurace etc., so yeah.

Then today was fucking fantastic!  I drove Jenny to work, that was cool we saw Ashley Mayberry and Jen Cooper, it was funny cuz I stopped behind a VW Bug at the light and I was like "Look at this fucking douche in this bug" and they started waving at us and I was like oh it's Jen and Ashley, so that was cool.  Then I went to Wal-Mart to get the Rise Against CD, but everything is so shittily alphabitized that I gave up and bought a $9 Disturbed CD which is badass.  Then I was like I'm gonna get Subway, and then Taryn Dibble and Sarah Dill were there, and they're like eat Subway with us!  So I did, then I came home got showered and stuff, and is it weird that I feel better after like shaving my legs, just being fresh and clean, well I do, I was like excited to, gawd I'm fucking strange.  But whatever.  Then I went off to work, work was alright, then it was my kids graduation which went amazing, the parents, were great, everything went great.  Then I came home, ate the rest of my Subway, did a little bit of skating, which I was off to a rocky start, then I got back into it.  And now I'm doing this, so today was a pretty good day.

So, I've been from VA for a few days now, things have been ok I guess.  I was hoping that trip would be the beginning of my summer and things would get better after that, I thought wrong.  Summer so far is just really boring, that's all there really is to it, but then again I can't really bitch about how boring it is if I'm not trying to make it better.  But anyways, to the title of my entry.

I feel a little bad that I basically abandoned Katie, that was a shitty thing of me to do, especially because she needed a friend who would understand her situation, and I just abandoned her, I wonder if she hates me, I kind of doubt it, just because I doubt she even thinks of me anymore.  I feel shitty especially because I don't know how many times I said to her, "You've had too many douche bags in your life, and I'm not going to be one of them."  And I meant it, but then I turn around and be a douche bag, I don't feel really bad about this, it just kind of sucks.  I want to go out to Tilt meet some new people, and have fun with my friends, etc., but I just really do not want to see her there, especially with her new girlfriend.  I don't even know if I really think that, or if I'm just saying that, because that's what people say in a situation like that.  I guess that's all I've really been thinking about. 

Except that life is pretty sucky in general.  I hang out with the same friend almost every day, do the same things, do the same thing day-in and day-out by myself, wake up, shower, go to work, come home chill with Nathan.  Right now we are remodeling my brothers old bedroom and making it into an office for my mom, we've only painted the walls, but there's still a dozen other things that must be done.  My kids are graduating from preschool on wednesday, so I think 11 kids are moving up, so the room size will practically be cut in half, which will hopefully make things a lot quieter and better.  My last appointment with my therapist is on tuesday, which is kind of bitter sweet, because for the most part I didn't like my therapist, I was going to say that is the only place where I feel safe that I can say anything, but I don't think that's neccessarilly true, no place or person makes me feel totally safe.

I don't know what to do.  I'm sucking at skating too, I can ollie, it's kind of fucking annoying, I really don't feel like typing anymore, maybe later.

So, I haven't written in this thing in over 6 months, wow, that's gotta be like the longest time I haven't blogged, woo for me!  So yeah, right now I'm Virginia Beach, so that's kind of cool, well really not.  I haven't done anything at all except play K'KND a billion times, refresh myspace and facebook a billion times too.  I have been swimming and tanning, and I'm a lot tanner already, but then where I'm not tan I feel pasty white and stupid for not being totally tan, whatever.  To be honest, right now I kind of feel like crap.  My birthday was yesterday, and I'm not going to say it was the worst birthday ever, but it wasn't very good.  Nobody got me anything, I got a check from my aunt, that was cool, and my mom did pay for my car to get fixed, which I did say would be a fine birthday present, but I dunno, it just kind of sucked.  My, my mom, sister, aunt and uncle all went out to eat last night and that place was cool, if I lived here I would totally go back.  But I didn't speak a word all dinner practically, I haven't really talked to anyone.  Things just kind of suck right now in my life.  I think I'm about to cry, I don't want to cry, I haven't really cried in a while, I'm feeling kind of depressed.  Sometimes I'll have a bad day and feel depressed but then I'm fine the next day, but for the past couple days I've been feeling this way.  I think it's just for the same reasons, my ex, same old, same old shit I'm thinking about.  I don't know why but I want her to text me so badly, I don't know why though, that's stupid, I totally burned my bridge with her, why would I want her to contact me?  Right now I just want to cry and go to sleep, I'm tired of obsessing about her when she's moved on, and I should be enjoying my summer, and being in VA, but I just can't.  I want to share this experience with someone.  I orginally said "someone special" but I had to erase that, I think I just want to experience it with anybody, I think I want a relationship for the wrong reason, just a rebound, but I don't want to be a jerk to someobody who doesn't deserve it, I'd hope that if someone special did come around that I would treat her special, and I think I would to, I think I would be a good girlfriend.  I mean I know my ex and I didn't have a whole lot of fun, like I wish we went rock climbing, went on a walk, a picnic, held hands and cuddled more, but for christ sake we broke up like 5 months ago.  I keep torturing myself by constantly refreshing myspace and facebook, like "omg! I hope someone left me a comment!" But I just want her to, I don't know why.  She never treated me very well, she really didn't.  And I know Sarah can relate to this.  But she just didn't really care about how my day was, or anything like that.  Like she said one time about how her brother was into criminal justice, and I said "I wanted to be a cop when I was younger."  But she didn't say anything back like "Oh that's cool" even if she felt it was the lamest thing in the world or, "Do you still want to be a cop?"  I want to be with somebody who actually gives a shit about me, who wants to know more about me, get to know me, ask about how I got into skating, how long I've been playing guitar, what's my favorite drink, my favorite color.  I mean we had that in the beginning, in the beginning I was so happy with her.  When I first grabbed her hand when we were walking down the hall way at MCC I was so damn nervous, but when I did, it was literally like everybody else in the hallway disappeared, it wouldn't have mattered who walked by me, someone in a giant foam penis costume were to have walked by me, I wouldn't have noticed, truly.  Everytime she kissed me it was just fantastic, I was so god damn nervous to kiss her when she came over to my house for the first time.  But I was so damn glad I did.  But everything I did she held it against me.  I would compliment her and she'd be like "You already said that!" and she'd bitch at me!  One time I told her that she made me feel stupid on a daily basis, which was a bit of an exaggeration, but sometimes I felt that way.  She was older then me, she was valedictorian of her high school, she can cook, she was just brilliant and beautiful and sometimes she just made me feel like such a kid, and I hate that.  I don't think I look like I'm 19, I go to community college, and work a minimum wage job, live at home with my mom, and I don't do my own laundry, I felt like such a little kid, and her being a genius didn't really help my feelings about that.  That was our first huge arguement, but she got to her senses and called me back and apologized, it was like the apocalypse, holy shit she apologized!  But then when we broke up she told me it was because she couldn't see herself being with a women, she wanted kids and wanted to be with a man, so we broke up.  But then the next day any little thing would make me cry, I was a fucking wreck.  But she would call me and ask how I was doing, then later I picked her up to go to a party and we were kissing and holding eachother the whole time, and everybody was saying how we were a cute couple and should stay together.  So we were sort of back together for 2 weeks, we spent Valentine's Day together, I got her this cute tank top and matching underwear, this retarded Orchid and her favorite candy Kit Kat's, how thoughtful of me.  She got me flowers and a stuffed dog that said "I'm Yours" which I later burned, then the next day, she dumped me.  Day after Valentine's Day, I was a god damn wreck for weeks.  A few days later my mom suggested that I come work out with her at the Y so I came with her, without eating or drinking anything, and in the middle of the work out I passed out, and when I came to a vomitted a few times.  She would call me and ask how I was doing.  So we were kind of friends, she would call me and text me, tell me how much she still cared about me.  And she was getting involved with this guy who had a baby, but I guess things didn't work out with them, look how much I care.  Then a few weeks later she demanded that I stop calling her or texting her, although I wasn't initiating the calls or anything, she was, I would just reply to her.  So we didn't talk for about a month, but I would still constantly see her around campus.  Then one day we talked like civilized people, then I didn't hear from her for about a month.  Then the last day of school as Nathan and I were about to leave I stood in the middle of the campus center, looked around and said outloud "I'll probably never see Katie again."  Nathan said, "Don't think that."  I was a little relieved to think I would never see her again because she lives near MCC and she's not returning next semester.  Then about a month later she called me up, I was very surprised.  She told me how she was not seeing a women who is a decade older than me.  She went on and on about it.  I was like "Why are you telling me this?"  She wanted me to be part of her life again, maybe hang out with them or whatever.  I was glad this moment was happening though because I could finally get closure, I said everything I ever wanted to say to her, and our phone conversation ended ok.  She has issues, she was dating this women for about 2 weeks saying how they could get married, move intogether, etc., and how her parents don't approve of this new women.  She broke up with me months ago because she said she couldn't be with a women, yet 5 months later she is with another women, what the fuck?  A few weeks ago Nathan and I decided to go to Tilt and I was thinking, good christ I hope I don't see Katie, low and behold a few moments later she walks in with new girlfriend... I bolted, sped home and burned anything that remineded me of her down in my fire pit, a little harsh and irrational, but I did it, no undoing it.  So I haven't seen or heard from her since then.  That's about it on the relationship her and I had, she also cheated on me, and turned the guilt on me.  She said she wouldn't call me or talk to me until she felt I had calmed down.   Our relationship did bounce back, but now were broken up months later.  This was my first relationship, in any way, physically, emotionally, mentally, what had she left me with, nothing, she took my dignity, my virginity, and she broke my heart.

Alright, so I haven't updated in over a month and well, not a whole lot has been going on, some cool things but I'm not going to go into that yet.  So work is good, I'm liking it a lot I guess.  Today was probably the best day of work, ever, some how I don't know, they were very well behaved today and I didn't have to put any of them in time out, it's like a miracle.  We went sledding outside, which they were so psyched for but it's a pain in the ass because one kid wants me to make snow angels with them and another wants to make a snowman and the rest want me to push them down the hill.  And I feel really bad that I can't do all of those things because I can't take my eyes off of them. 

So the Fall Semester is pretty much over, I had the final for my Interpersonal Speech class yesterday and I got a 19.5/20 on it, so I kicked its ass.  Honestly it is a little depressing, because it's like the end of the school year, but in half of the time.  Like I went to go in my back pack to take out my Math HW and start it and I was like "Oh, I cant take out my Interpersonal Speech class materials because I don't need those anymore" and it's depressing because like I don't need those notes or all of those sheets or the book anymore.  Maybe it's depressing because that was my favorite class and she was my favorite professor, like I feel like I actually learned something in that class, like I can tell that it did actually improve my Communications skills.  But so yeah, 1 final down, 3 to go.  In my COM class we're doing a video project and it's due Friday and we haven't even really done it yet.  It's annoying because the idea is great, but I don't feel like explaning it but we're lacking basically everything that we need to do it.  And I'm the main actor, and it's kind of embarassing because it's just going to suck.  And it all takes place outside and a part we already filmed outside was when it wasn't snowing and well... if you look outside now, it's covered in snow.  I say my group just starts all over again, but somehow we have to get this all filmed tomorrow in less than an hour, this is not going to happen.  But what is more annoying is that I'm wasting my time because this credit doesn't transfer over to my new major, and I'm embarassing myself and wasting my time to do something that doesn't matter to me, and something I'm certainly not proud of. 

I'm starting to stress out a little bit about college.  I really want to be smart, I want to kick ass in my major.  I mean I think I'm good at some things at it, but not the stupid scientific aspect behind Media, so I don't know how I'm doing in school.  And then signing up for the Spring Semester started on monday, and it's really weird that I'm not even done with the fall semester!  It's not neccessarily signing up for classes, but because I'm going to another school after my 2 years at MCC some colleges don't accept certain classes from MCC, but so I'm stressing about that a bit, but mostly because... I don't know what school I'm going to after MCC.  I mean, I don't even know what's out there, yeah there's local schools, but I wanna live on campus, get the full college experience.  My mom asked what about Fisher, but I kind of don't want to to go Fisher because my Mom and my Aunt went there, and my sister is graduating from there this year, so that's part of it.  Plus I think my sister would probably flip her shit if I was even considering Fisher.  I don't think I'm smart enough for Fisher, besides I feel like I'm still in high school, like I'm not being challenged enough.  Not that I want to be busting my ass over 5 hours of homework every night, but it's like, MCC is mad easy, that's all.  And Fisher is too close for there to be any reason to live on campus, Fisher is like half the distance of MCC.  My mom said Fisher has a good Communications program, but I dunno.  I'm still not really sure what I wanna do with my life.  I mean my dream job is working for a skate company doing ads, maybe interviews or a photographer.  But maybe even work for a chick magazine and write an advice column, what about that?  Or maybe be a teacher, people keep asking me if I wanna be a teacher.  I think I would want to be a teacher, but it's just the pay is so shitty!  I think it'd be fun, I'd want to work with little kids for the aspect that it's so simple and it's fun with little kids, but I also would want to work with older kids because I want to talk to kids that were like me when I'm older, I want to be that awesomet teacher that kids can come and talk to.  Dammit I still have plenty of time to think about this, I'm tired of stressing I mean, I've only been in school for almost 2 months, I still have forever, I could always take time off if I needed to.  Whatever I need to stop stressing.  I am liking MCC better.  I have to do a photographer project, I'm excited because I like photography and I need to expand my portfolio.  I should just go out and take random pictures some days.  I want to take pictures of cars, that's what I wanna do, because cars are just so sexay, I wanna do that, maybe some day when it's not shitty weather here I'll take some cool photos of my car.  I want to do good in college, I want to go places.  Even if I end up in a cubicle, which I don't want to do, I want to at least end up doing something that I want, not just settling for second best.

Currently I am stuck at MCC waiting for Amber to get out of class so I can go pick up my sister, go home and then go to work.  My co-work Lauren, who is the only chick that I actually work with in my 4-year-olds room quit, and nobody told me.  SHE DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME!  I work with her!  I just don't understand it, and my bosses didn't tell me either.  I just don't understand why, I guess I get yeah it's maybe embarassing you don't want to tell me because it's not like we were real heart-to-heart at all, but the only 2 people that work in there are me and Lauren, but whatever.  So this new chick Amanda is going to work in there, I haven't met her yet, but I will soon when I get there today, in about an hour.  I already have animosity towards her, for no real reason, I have absolutely no reason to dislike her already other than the fact that I don't know her.  She has a BS, but I'm not sure in what, I'm assuming it's having something to do with child care, so great, she better not be telling me what to do and shit, if she does I may kick her ass. 

I feel really good right now, I was talking to Ellyn, she's pretty cool.  It's just kind of weird talking to people, because I'm not really like that, I hang out with all sorts of people in different social circles, but it's kind of out of the ordinary for someone to sit down next to me and talk, and especially when you get those awkward silences, we only did for a second, but then I snapped back and we were back into convo. mode.  It was cool, she's cool.  That just makes me feel a lot better talking to someone I don't know very well, but chyeah, so I still have like 20 minutes to wait for Amber.  I kind of want a bagel, I've been eating several bagels lately, but I want to eat something else.  I also have to pee, I hate debating in my head.  I'll just head up to the cafeteria in 20 minutes, grab a Dew perhaps, and maybe a bagel anyways, or a muffin. 

That song makes me more angry than sad. 

Because all I can think about is people that have died.

After Mrs.Alexander's memorial thing at the school I drove Jenny back to work and just listened to that song and cried and yelled.  I was really angry that she died.  I remember hearing around June, "She's got 6 more months to live" so we knew what was coming, but it came 5 months too early.  She died on my birthday.  I didn't know that at the time though, when I found at June 13th, she died June 12th, I was like wow, that was my birthday.  I love Mrs.Alexander, everything about her, I loved her voice, her thick accent, I could recognize that voice from a mile away, and her silly quotes "good egg" and how she always commented on my hair, which in a way made me feel kind of guilty because she had cancer and she lost her hair.  I don't even really know why I'm talking about this.  I just heard that song over the radio a few days ago and couldn't stop thinking about it, it makes me angry and sad at the same time, angry that I'll never get to talk to Mrs.Alexander again, and sad for the same reason.  I love her and really miss her, there are so many things I still want to talk to her about.

I was going to update about how I got use to MCC, then I noticed that Nathan did a post, and I was thinking; "Well I don't want people to think I was copying Nathan!"  But I'm going to anyways, Nathan, why do we always think the same things?  It's whacky.  Well so, MCC is alright I guess.  I've gotten really use to it.  Still some things I don't like, but I've gotten use to it so, well it's part of my routine now.  I'm glad I've built a foundation and got down to a routine so fast, that makes me happy.  One thing I don't like though is that I don't have any of the same people in more than one class, so it's not like oh yeah, that kid in this class is also in my other class, I think there's 1 one person that I have in 2 classes, whoopdeedo, kind of lame.  I do tend to see the same people every day though, not like I talk to them, still anti-social.  But I'm not anti-social, you ask any of my friends I think they'd probably agree that I'm the loudest person at a party, and I'm the only sober one.  I guess I have a problem with 'letting my guard down' I normally hate that phrase, but it's totally true, I have a hard time letting my guard down.  I think it's interesting, I suck at small talk, but anyone can talk to me about anything, I'm pretty chill and up for talking or listening about anything.  But I suck with small talk, I think it's because I hate bullshitting people, I don't like talking to my teammates about practice or a game, or a kid in my class about the homework, I just hate doing that, because I'm bullshitting them, but I guess I've gotta get use to bullshitting if I want to make new friends.

I realized that I want a younger sibling.  Not really now, I don't want a baby sibling now, if my mom were to get pregnant right now.  That'd be fucking strange, especially because she's not married to anyone else, or have a different boyfriend, and that she's 51, another big factor.  I just think that it would be really cool if I had a sibling who was a few years younger than me, I think preferably a sister, I don't know why, a brother would be cool I guess, either way, a younger sibling would be bad ass.  I don't know why all of the sudden I have a 'craving' for a younger sibling, it must be because I work in a Day Care Center, I dunno though.  Maybe it's like that weird thing that parents get, they were a failed musician or athlete so they want their child to become what they couldn't, or do what they couldn't do.  I don't want to do that to one of my kids though, although I kind of see myself doing that with my kids I take care of.  I'll ask them what sports they like and I can't wait for one of them to say 'softball' and then I realize that I sound like a douche bag and I stop.  I don't want to do that to my kids, I don't want to force them to do anything they don't wanna do, but I do want a well-rounded kid, play a few rec sports maybe, play on a team, be in a play, be a good student academically, be in NHS or something, I dunno.  Not exactly all of those things, but something, I don't want to raise a child that becomes a pot head or drop outs or gets their GED, not cool.  I should quit thinking about my future children, I've still got like 10 years to chill.  I'm just trying to take the baby steps, I mean I can't go from just graduating high school to buying a mini van and dropping my kid off at soccer practice, I think sometimes people forget the baby steps.  I don't want to skip over the baby steps, the baby steps are the most important steps sometimes.