There are certain people, you just keep coming back to.

So, I haven't written in this thing in over 6 months, wow, that's gotta be like the longest time I haven't blogged, woo for me!  So yeah, right now I'm Virginia Beach, so that's kind of cool, well really not.  I haven't done anything at all except play K'KND a billion times, refresh myspace and facebook a billion times too.  I have been swimming and tanning, and I'm a lot tanner already, but then where I'm not tan I feel pasty white and stupid for not being totally tan, whatever.  To be honest, right now I kind of feel like crap.  My birthday was yesterday, and I'm not going to say it was the worst birthday ever, but it wasn't very good.  Nobody got me anything, I got a check from my aunt, that was cool, and my mom did pay for my car to get fixed, which I did say would be a fine birthday present, but I dunno, it just kind of sucked.  My, my mom, sister, aunt and uncle all went out to eat last night and that place was cool, if I lived here I would totally go back.  But I didn't speak a word all dinner practically, I haven't really talked to anyone.  Things just kind of suck right now in my life.  I think I'm about to cry, I don't want to cry, I haven't really cried in a while, I'm feeling kind of depressed.  Sometimes I'll have a bad day and feel depressed but then I'm fine the next day, but for the past couple days I've been feeling this way.  I think it's just for the same reasons, my ex, same old, same old shit I'm thinking about.  I don't know why but I want her to text me so badly, I don't know why though, that's stupid, I totally burned my bridge with her, why would I want her to contact me?  Right now I just want to cry and go to sleep, I'm tired of obsessing about her when she's moved on, and I should be enjoying my summer, and being in VA, but I just can't.  I want to share this experience with someone.  I orginally said "someone special" but I had to erase that, I think I just want to experience it with anybody, I think I want a relationship for the wrong reason, just a rebound, but I don't want to be a jerk to someobody who doesn't deserve it, I'd hope that if someone special did come around that I would treat her special, and I think I would to, I think I would be a good girlfriend.  I mean I know my ex and I didn't have a whole lot of fun, like I wish we went rock climbing, went on a walk, a picnic, held hands and cuddled more, but for christ sake we broke up like 5 months ago.  I keep torturing myself by constantly refreshing myspace and facebook, like "omg! I hope someone left me a comment!" But I just want her to, I don't know why.  She never treated me very well, she really didn't.  And I know Sarah can relate to this.  But she just didn't really care about how my day was, or anything like that.  Like she said one time about how her brother was into criminal justice, and I said "I wanted to be a cop when I was younger."  But she didn't say anything back like "Oh that's cool" even if she felt it was the lamest thing in the world or, "Do you still want to be a cop?"  I want to be with somebody who actually gives a shit about me, who wants to know more about me, get to know me, ask about how I got into skating, how long I've been playing guitar, what's my favorite drink, my favorite color.  I mean we had that in the beginning, in the beginning I was so happy with her.  When I first grabbed her hand when we were walking down the hall way at MCC I was so damn nervous, but when I did, it was literally like everybody else in the hallway disappeared, it wouldn't have mattered who walked by me, someone in a giant foam penis costume were to have walked by me, I wouldn't have noticed, truly.  Everytime she kissed me it was just fantastic, I was so god damn nervous to kiss her when she came over to my house for the first time.  But I was so damn glad I did.  But everything I did she held it against me.  I would compliment her and she'd be like "You already said that!" and she'd bitch at me!  One time I told her that she made me feel stupid on a daily basis, which was a bit of an exaggeration, but sometimes I felt that way.  She was older then me, she was valedictorian of her high school, she can cook, she was just brilliant and beautiful and sometimes she just made me feel like such a kid, and I hate that.  I don't think I look like I'm 19, I go to community college, and work a minimum wage job, live at home with my mom, and I don't do my own laundry, I felt like such a little kid, and her being a genius didn't really help my feelings about that.  That was our first huge arguement, but she got to her senses and called me back and apologized, it was like the apocalypse, holy shit she apologized!  But then when we broke up she told me it was because she couldn't see herself being with a women, she wanted kids and wanted to be with a man, so we broke up.  But then the next day any little thing would make me cry, I was a fucking wreck.  But she would call me and ask how I was doing, then later I picked her up to go to a party and we were kissing and holding eachother the whole time, and everybody was saying how we were a cute couple and should stay together.  So we were sort of back together for 2 weeks, we spent Valentine's Day together, I got her this cute tank top and matching underwear, this retarded Orchid and her favorite candy Kit Kat's, how thoughtful of me.  She got me flowers and a stuffed dog that said "I'm Yours" which I later burned, then the next day, she dumped me.  Day after Valentine's Day, I was a god damn wreck for weeks.  A few days later my mom suggested that I come work out with her at the Y so I came with her, without eating or drinking anything, and in the middle of the work out I passed out, and when I came to a vomitted a few times.  She would call me and ask how I was doing.  So we were kind of friends, she would call me and text me, tell me how much she still cared about me.  And she was getting involved with this guy who had a baby, but I guess things didn't work out with them, look how much I care.  Then a few weeks later she demanded that I stop calling her or texting her, although I wasn't initiating the calls or anything, she was, I would just reply to her.  So we didn't talk for about a month, but I would still constantly see her around campus.  Then one day we talked like civilized people, then I didn't hear from her for about a month.  Then the last day of school as Nathan and I were about to leave I stood in the middle of the campus center, looked around and said outloud "I'll probably never see Katie again."  Nathan said, "Don't think that."  I was a little relieved to think I would never see her again because she lives near MCC and she's not returning next semester.  Then about a month later she called me up, I was very surprised.  She told me how she was not seeing a women who is a decade older than me.  She went on and on about it.  I was like "Why are you telling me this?"  She wanted me to be part of her life again, maybe hang out with them or whatever.  I was glad this moment was happening though because I could finally get closure, I said everything I ever wanted to say to her, and our phone conversation ended ok.  She has issues, she was dating this women for about 2 weeks saying how they could get married, move intogether, etc., and how her parents don't approve of this new women.  She broke up with me months ago because she said she couldn't be with a women, yet 5 months later she is with another women, what the fuck?  A few weeks ago Nathan and I decided to go to Tilt and I was thinking, good christ I hope I don't see Katie, low and behold a few moments later she walks in with new girlfriend... I bolted, sped home and burned anything that remineded me of her down in my fire pit, a little harsh and irrational, but I did it, no undoing it.  So I haven't seen or heard from her since then.  That's about it on the relationship her and I had, she also cheated on me, and turned the guilt on me.  She said she wouldn't call me or talk to me until she felt I had calmed down.   Our relationship did bounce back, but now were broken up months later.  This was my first relationship, in any way, physically, emotionally, mentally, what had she left me with, nothing, she took my dignity, my virginity, and she broke my heart.